Finally learning... Simple is better with kids!

My wife, daughter and I went to Disneyland this past weekend to enjoy the Holiday spirit and get in what might be out last visit for over a year with a baby on the way.  We were a little hesitant because our last visit a few months ago was a small disaster.  Last time I planned the whole time we would be there, we talked about our "game plan" and prioritized the things we wanted to do.  It seemed logical to be organized but our toddler had the last say and our plan basically imploded from the beginning.


What I realized this time, is that I can't over plan a trip or experience to meet some crazy expectation I hold.  Our previous trip was going to be "perfect" and the "best Disney trip EVER" in my mind.  I set myself up for failure from the beginning.  This more recent time, I made the basic plans like lodging, dinner reservation and left the rest to fate.  We decided to ask our daughter which rides she wanted to do and went from there. 

The free flowing two days of last weekend were infinitely more fun than the one day we attempted with a timeline.  Even rain couldn't stop us from having fun.  While exhausted and wet at the end of the day, we still had fun walking back to our hotel and will look back on the trip with fond memories.  As a result of this trip I am finally realizing that kids don't expect a lot, they just want our undivided attention and the opportunity to explore.  I already knew this on some intuitive level but now I know to fight my extremely type-A, organized traits to just let the kid decide.

Thank you sweetie for teaching Daddy to calm down and go with the flow!  I needed that...

Eyes Open to the Realities of Parenting with Number 2 on the Way

I waited to write this post until the big ultra sound was completed.  My wife is about 22 weeks pregnant with our second child but for some reason I was more nervous about this pregnancy than the last.  Lately, I have been inundated by pregnancy and parenthood horror stories about miscarriages, deformities and other problems.  We had a realization a couple days ago that both of us went into the first pregnancy relatively naïve about the potential problems we could face and this time around are more cautious about our optimism.  While we knew the potential problems, it was something I don't think we internalized very much.


Call it maturity or call it experience, but I am most definitely a different person now then when my wife was pregnant with our daughter.  There is a comedian (Michael McIntyre) who has a clip from his comedy spread "People with no Kids Don't Know" that perfectly explains this phenomenon.  I had no idea what I was getting into when our daughter was on the way.  I obviously don't regret having children but knowing what I know now would have changed my perception during the pregnancy.  That change in perspective concerns simple things like appreciating sleep a little more, and driving slower/safer but it also puts a new perspective on the bigger picture like being healthy for my kids so I am there for them, making career decisions based more on security vice a "passion" and appreciating each little hug I get from my daughter.


Last night I felt my son kick for the first time.  It was a small movement but I couldn't get over the enormity of the moment.  That kick is the most reassuring thing I could ever want because as long as he is kicking that means he is probably healthy and doing well.  At this point in my life I don't really want for many things... Just to feel the kick of my unborn son and know my daughter is safe.  Everything else is just icing on the cake.

Armed Guard at our Pre-school

I will admit that I have never really felt threatened, oppressed or terribly uncomfortable in my personal life - which is obviously a good thing and I am very grateful for that.  I grew up in a white, middle class, educated, Christian and drama-free family and as such have been fortunate to never have to worry about gun shots outside my window, where my next meal was coming from or whether I would be able to get a decent job after attending a good university.  For many Americans like me, the nightly news is where we see "other people" suffering through great tragedy or oppression.  It doesn't really happen in my life so most worldly trouble is at a distance.  It took my military experiences - both as a military child and later on active duty - to see the difficulties other people face on a daily basis around the world and even then it was from the comfort and security of reliable housing, food and security.


Yesterday that changed.  Following the attacks in San Bernardino my daughter's pre-school, which is part of a Jewish Synagogue, decided to employ an armed security guard at the front of their already fairly secure facility which includes a key pad entry, gates/fences all around and cameras covering the entire compound.  When I walked into the school I realized, for just a split second and still from a place of security, that these events affect me and my family in a tangible way.  Up to this point, the thought of my family being personally involved in something as horrific as a mass shooting was reserved for that deep dark place in the back of my mind reserved for earthquakes, tsunamis and shark attacks.  Now I am confronted with the specter of oppression, attack and insecurity, if only in my mind.  Last night I thought about what other people must deal with on a daily basis.  Even a place of worship, like the one my daughter goes to each day, is subject to this cloud of uncertainty and in the case of many faiths, must always be slightly on edge.  I have never personally felt this uncertainty while practicing my religion and it was eye opening to have that moment of pause.


The new normal we face is this uncertainty.  I went to see a movie last week and unfortunately had a moment where I actively looked for the exit and thought about the "what ifs" based on previous attacks in public places.  This is exactly what terrorists, both domestic and international, want us to think.  In response, I will continue to live my life, but will do so with greater purpose, more gratitude and an increased sense of what is truly important.


After the attack on Pearl Harbor, a sentiment often attributed to Admiral Yamamoto spoke about awaking a "sleeping giant."  When will we wake up from this nightmare and realize it is time to act?  Not from a place of hatred, revenge or fear, but act as a unified force who takes a hard look at the current state of affairs and makes the tough decisions to improve our world.  The decisions we need to make are for a different post, but it is about time we drop the rhetoric, grow up and do what is right.  I can only now take a glimpse into the world the parents in Newtown, Connecticut must experience when dropping their children off at school each day.

False Dichotomy and the Seach for Validation in Discourse

I have sat back for too long and watched politics become so ridiculous, polarizing and categorically wrong.  The two main problems with people in today's political discourse is the us versus them mentality and the failure to argue with real facts.  Social media has allowed everyone to become an "expert" in every situation and I am tired of misinformation.


One of my MBA professors told us on the first day of this semester "contrary to what you may believe, you are not entitled to your opinion; you are only entitled to what you can back-up with evidence."  He admitted the line wasn't his and passed out an excellent article from a philosophy professor (here) explaining the point.  I was incredulous.  How could he tell us that we were not allowed to have our own opinion?!  Throughout the semester, however, I have realized the wisdom in this statement and believe it to be wholeheartedly true.  He has provided example after example of commonly held beliefs in society that are flat out wrong or are, at a minimum, highly misguided.  Here is one example...  Are there too many frivolous lawsuits out there?  You probably said, YES and my proof is McDonalds and spilled Coffee.  I would be willing to bet you don't know the whole story because the story has been manipulated and changed so many times...  (the facts).

In another class, with the same professor, he said something else that was truly profound in my opinion.  "Nowadays, people don't search for information, they search for validation."  Think about it, the last time that you saw something online that was against your own beliefs, did you research the point to discredit it, prove it, or find real facts?  I will admit that I default to the first and now I force myself to approach anything I don't like, or even things I completely agree, with a healthy skepticism and an open mind.  How is it possible for a modern society to be so "right" all the time?  It is impossible that most of my FB friends are experts in Foreign Policy, Race Relations, Economic Inequality AND Domestic Policies at the same time!

Then there comes the magical False Dichotomy or False Dilemma (discussion here) where individuals incorrectly state there are only two possible outcomes to the situation.  Think about how pervasive this is in modern politics.

"You are either with us or against us." 
"You are either for or against killing babies."
"You are pro-business or pro-working class."
"If you don't support the war you are against our troops."

How can we have so many situations where there is no gray area?  Yes, there are definitely situations where the choice is either one outcome or the other, but most situations are more nuanced.  By creating this type of rhetoric and polarization, the media, politicians and the general public unfortunately think they have to choose sides in arguments.  Why can't we admit that most problems have multiple viewpoints, extenuating circumstance or outcomes?  My answer... We are too lazy, stupid and don't care enough to actually research the whole situation.  We also are so used to instant gratification today that waiting is seen as a weakness.  I would love to see more politicians say "I don't have all the facts at this point and would like to withhold comment until I have done more research."  But most people and journalists would hit that person with "how doesn't he/she know this?  How are they in Congress and don't know (blank)?"  Well the next time you say that, please remember you don't know everything, I don't know everything, and the public definitely doesn't know everything.

We should be ever mindful of the profound thought attributed to Socrates and Plato "I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing."

You will notice that at no point have I said anything about any one particular view point.  I don't care the situation, if you are going to espouse an opinion then it better be backed by facts, research and a real dialogue and not just what you "believe."  It is time to move the discussion forward and I hope to do my little part in that endeavor.  In the meantime, I will be keeping clear of social media "discussions."  You all don't want a legitimate dialogue, you just want to be right and shout louder than the rest.  In the end, we all have one vote and most people don’t even use it, so please refrain from speaking unless you are able to back it up and you are willing to do something about it.

 

Parental Guilt

I am beginning to realize that guilt runs most of our adult lives...  Think about how many times you guilt yourself on a daily basis. "I shouldn't have eaten that." "I should go to church." "I will work out tomorrow." "I don't save enough money."

Now add being a parent into the mix and for me the guilt became exponential.  There are constant reminders all around us of the things we should or shouldn't be doing.  Add Facebook or Pinterest (the devil for some parents) into the mix and you are inundated by all these "overachiever" parents with crazy lunch ideas, amazing themed birthday pictures and creative educational craft ideas.  Where the hell do these people find the time?  I realize many of these individuals are probably stay-at-home parents, which is great, but I just imagine these parents sitting up late at night thinking up new ways to "one up" the other PTA board members or ways to make the rest of us look bad.  Good on them, but now the rest of us are guilty beyond words that we are somehow not doing enough for our children.

I have decided to stop comparing!  I am my own person, I have my own challenges and goals, I have my own special family that is unlike any other.  I imagine that this guilt is probably even worse for moms than dads because of higher societal expectations, which isn't right.  My call for everyone out there is to stop the subtle comments or jabs at each other, we are all in this together and our kids aren't as screwed up as we probably imagine.  Be the best parent you can be and define that in your own way.

Some Mom guilt humor I recently saw on Facebook below.  I can relate to some of these and I know my wife has felt many of them too.

From: http://www.sweettmakesthree.com/2014/08/mom-guilt-bingo/

To My Daughter On High School Graduation Day

My amazing daughter,

Today is your final day of High School and I couldn't be more proud of the woman you have become.  You are the kind of person who will make monumental impacts to society and I can't wait to see what the next chapter entails.  Whatever you have decided to do in life, we know you will be great at it and we support you in every way.

I write this letter the day before you start pre-school at 18 months old.  You have 16.5 years until High School graduation (396 months or so) but I will tell you this much, the time will feel like a heartbeat to Mom and Dad.  We already can't believe you are going to pre-school and will be going off to explore new places, make new friends, and become a more independent person.  You are already full of life, love and excitement.  Please don't lose any of the wonder you have for the world around you!  You will always be the sweetie you are right now.  We want nothing more than happiness in all of your days.

Some advice about the journey you are about to embark both in pre-school and after High School:
1. Learning is a lifelong endeavor.  Never stop learning something new.  As you get older, you will realize how little you actually know.
2. You are powerful beyond anything you can imagine. Never let anyone tell you differently.  Anyone who doesn't appreciate you isn't worth being in your life. 
3. Be humble about who you are and what you have accomplished.  Give back to those less fortunate and keep your roots firmly planted in family and friends.
4. Life will get rough at times.  No matter the obstacle, there is always a way to prevail.  Be ready to ask for help and help others around you as well.  You never know all the challenges other people are going through.
5. Mom and Dad are always there for you.  We will never stop loving you!  You are the result of our love and we are so lucky to have you in our lives.

Bonus: Laugh as much as possible.  Life is fleeting and will pass you by if you don't take a moment to look around.

Mom will be dropping you off at school tomorrow and I will be there to pick you up in the afternoon.  She will cry when she walks away but remember that a piece of each of our hearts is always with you to keep until we return.  No matter what happens we are always there and our love will never change.  Let the fun begin!

Congratulations on your big day, there is a lot to be proud of!

Love,
Dad

Finding the right pre-school

With the relatively abrupt departure of our morning Nanny, my wife and I were left scrambling to secure a seat for our daughter at a school for the upcoming academic year.  Thankfully our afternoon/back-up Nanny was able to go full time until the end of the summer so we had a little breathing room.  Not only are we in need of securing care but we also believe this is the right time for our daughter to go ahead and get started in school.  She definitely desires the socialization and is naturally curious so we think she will thrive in school.

The first thing to say is, there are a lot of options out there!  Multiple learning philosophies, methods and styles to learning, and the abundant spectrum of quality all make this decision fraught with confusion.  I decided to go about the search as methodically as possible, first with a location based search to find the schools that made the most sense from a commuting and convenience factors.  When I realized there were several highly rated options near us, I was relieved that we would be choosing from the cream of the crop and not the cream of the crap.  When we bought our house, the public schools were our concern, I didn't even think about the pre-school options...

My wife made appointments at our favorites after learning more about the schools from friends, co-workers and multiple review sites I found online.  A couple factors to be aware of:  All schools have basic regulations they must follow based on state requirements such as education levels of their staff, ratios of students to teachers, etc. but they vary in many "soft" ways that may be extremely important to you.  We found all the schools met or exceeded the educational standards of the state so after that we started looking at locations (near the playground, safe setting, secure facility), attitudes of the staff (they varied from extremely warm and inviting to slightly cold and uninspired), schedules, educational priorities...  The list could go on forever.  What about lunch, is it provided or do you pack it?

Don't forget two major factors: how old is your kid and how long is the waiting list?  We found a variety of starting ages.  18-months was the earliest starting age (which is what we needed) and the oldest was starting at 3 years old.  We also came across two schools with a year long waiting list due to popularity (I have heard of other places with a longer wait list).  Biggest learning point here... We will start the process for kid number two much earlier so we can get on the list sooner.  We got the last opening at our preferred school just in time!

The bottom line I came to: does this place seem like a good fit for our daughter?  Taking into all the logical factors we had to go with our gut feeling.  Which place would she thrive in, not just survive in?  Who would I want making life and death decisions for my daughter if something bad happened? 

We decided on a Jewish Pre-School about a mile from our house, which is almost half-way between our place and one set of grandparents (hugely convenient).  Even though we are not Jewish, it just felt right to send her to this environment.  We loved the setting, the director was by far the most friendly we met and the added benefit of our daughter getting some additional cultural exposure was a major plus.  We want her to learn to respect all cultures and appreciate how each culture has something great to contribute to our society.

My wife and I are now learning how to pack a kosher friendly lunch (didn't know that mixing milk and meat was against kosher guidelines), we will have to get kosher treats for birthdays if desired and we will be learning the Jewish Holidays since the school will be closed those days.  It is a new adventure our Catholic family is excited to start.  Shalom everybody!

The History of Father's Day

Do you know the origins of Father's Day?  I certainly didn't until this year...  My daughter's favorite word at the moment is Da-da and her separation anxiety is making it hard to leave at night for classes or in the morning for work.  It is now that I fully realize the importance of a father in the life of a child and have become even more grateful for the amazing example my father set for me and my brothers. 

To understand Father's Day we must look at Mother's Day which has its roots in local observances dating back to the Civil War.  In the 1860s "Mother's Work Days" was celebrated in West Virginia and in the 1870s activist Julia Ward Howe issued a "Mother's Day Proclamation."  In 1909 there were 45 states observing Mother's Day and the national holiday was made official by President Woodrow Wilson in 1914.  

Father's Day began at the local level in much the same way as Mother's Day.  In 1908 a city (AGAIN!) in West Virginia celebrated the "nation’s first event explicitly in honor of fathers, a Sunday sermon in memory of the 362 men who had died in the previous December’s explosions at the Fairmont Coal Company mines in Monongah."  In 1909 the daughter of a widower in Washington State began an effort to hold an equal celebration for fathers similar to the state run events for mothers.  While state and local celebrations were held and some national politicians commemorated fathers at different times, the day was not a national holiday until Richard Nixon made it official in 1972.

The long time between the creation of Mother's Day and Father's Day has many possible reasons but one I found most provocative came in the 1920s, "as one historian writes, they 'scoffed at the holiday’s sentimental attempts to domesticate manliness with flowers and gift-giving, or they derided the proliferation of such holidays as a commercial gimmick to sell more products–often paid for by the father himself'."  At that time men were seen as primarily breadwinners and not care givers so why celebrate them?  We have thankfully moved past that stereotype (for the most part) and now recognize the true impact of an engaged and supportive father on his children.

Happy Father's day to all the Dads, Grand Dads, Step-Dads and anyone else filling the role of Dad in a child's life.  You are a very important part of your child's upbringing and I hope we never forget that.


References:
http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/fathers-day
http://www.fathersdaycelebration.com/fathers-day-history.html

Oh honey she's "fine"

You see this portrayed in movies, in the grocery store or at the local soccer field... A kid scrapes their knee, falls down, etc. and the first instinct of mom is to run over, hug the child and comfort them.  Dad on the other hand shouts "walk it off" or "no blood/no bones/no vomit, you'll be alright."  There are few words that drive my wife more crazy than me saying "fine" about our daughter.  I have recently begun paying attention to how I react to different situations and realized I say it a lot.  But I don't think I am alone.  Why are we programed to react this way?  Does it mean either parent is wrong?

I believe that each parent is right and we are placed together to balance each other out.  One parent (doesn't always have to be mom) focuses on the nurturing side of things and is there when a good cry is necessary.  One parent (not always dad) is there to remind the child that pain does suck but it will be over in a second and things are NOT usually as bad as they first seem.  This way we teach both sides to our children and make them more balanced as individuals to learn that sometimes we need to get up and dust ourselves off and other times things are more serious and we need to react with compassion and a sense of urgency. 

One recent example stands out in my mind...  Our daughter became tall enough for the bottom of the refrigerator door to hit the top of her head when opened.  She picked up on it fairly quickly and has learned to duck out of the way or slouch to go under while we are grabbing food.  However, one time her move to avoid the hit took her off balance and she went forehead first into the edge of the door opening next to the fridge.  The cry was different... It had real gusto behind it so I picked her up and did my instinctive head to toe inspection.  The knot on her head formed immediately and I (as calmly as can be) walked over to show mom.  Her first words were "we are going to Urgent Care."  I thought to protest, it was Friday night after all and we had plans for a fun family evening; in my mind ice would make everything better and she was over reacting.  But I hesitated and realized that while it is always better to be safe than sorry, going to the doctor was not only good for my daughter but for my wife's peace of mind (and mine as well). 

The doctor basically said - in more credentialed and thoughtful words - that she would be fine, to put some ice on it and monitor her for any changes in consciousness, fever, vomiting, etc.  I will admit that I felt vindicated in my mind but also was a little guilty.  Am I not as caring as my wife?  I think I am, the care is just shown in different ways. 

I can only imagine how many of these situations will happen in the future.  Each one will be different and I will try to halt judgment like "you're ok" until I actually know it. 

The Vehicular Equivalent of a Refrigerator

Let’s be honest up front.  Minivans aren’t sexy or fun.  They are the vehicular equivalent of a refrigerator; they are meant to accomplish a job and everything else such as options, style, color and lighting are icing on a fairly bland package.  We only really notice when the thing doesn’t work.  Think about it, if your refrigerator stopped working, you would care a great deal, but on a daily basis it isn’t really at the forefront of your thoughts.  A minivan is just like that.  We don’t lust for it like a super car, we don’t worry whether it is spotless, we wouldn’t take it to the valet to show off, the thing just needs to work really well so we can go about the rest of our life with efficiency and purpose.  If we can make that bland package a little more attractive then that is great, but not at the expense of the intended purpose.

            When I began the 7-day test of the Kia Sedona I was met with ridicule in my office.  “Tim you are testing a minivan?” “Wow, life is really over.” “Why not something cooler?”  I didn’t really care too much because my purpose was to approach it as a family man, which I embrace wholeheartedly.  That is what minivan makers need in a customer, someone who sees the utility and doesn’t really care about the other crap.  The most important thing I learned in this test is that minivan owners can drive down the road with their heads held high because they already know something those other people don’t - they are driving the vehicle many people need but never get over their insecurities to purchase.  In a lot of ways, minivan drivers are wise individuals who probably have a great deal of self-esteem because they don’t care what other people think.  Heck, embrace having a family and buy that refrigerator on wheels!

            We decided to make this test a road trip and headed to Disneyland for the weekend with Grandma and Grandpa in the van with us.  The first thing they pointed out was good positioning of hand holds for getting in and out of the van which they said was an important feature in their book.  Plus one for Kia.  We got on the road and first thing I noticed different than my SUV was peace and quiet.  Not quiet in terms of road noise but quiet from the back seat…  I will admit that my daughter hates riding in the car, probably because she doesn’t enjoy being constrained in the seat for long periods, but the roomier atmosphere combined with her more upright position in the new car seat made her more happy which in turn made us more happy.  Plus a huge one for minivans in general!

            On the highway I was surprised by how responsive the van was and the ease with which I was able to maintain SOCAL fast lane speeds on I-5 (I won’t say a number, but if you’ve driven around there you know what I mean).  The engine, transmission and steering invoked confidence while transporting some of the most precious people in my life at relatively high rates of speed.  Our living room on wheels did the job competently and comfortably.  What more could I ask for?  Well, “style and gizmos” you say…  This one has you covered.  In fact, the feature I was most impressed with is the radar adaptive cruise control.  I kid you not, from the moment I got on the freeway in Anaheim to the moment I got off the freeway in East San Diego, I did not touch the accelerator or brake!  All I had to do was adjust the following distance a little and pay attention as the van kept a steady speed and adjusted with the traffic ahead of me.  I hope to see this feature trickle down to other cars at a lower price point in the coming years. 

Besides the road trip, I also had the rest of the week to run errands, commute back and forth to work and generally test the van in many different circumstances.  If you are a parent I want you to think about the last time you went grocery shopping or to a big box store.  When you came out with a kid or two on your hip you approached the car with the daunting task of belting in a hyper tornado that contorts in ways the human body shouldn’t be able to, doing it again (and again in some cases) while simultaneously trying not to crack the eggs and drop the milk you just bought.  Once all the fun is in the car, you then have to navigate out of the busy parking lot with dozens of other grumpy people who all think their time is more valuable than yours and have less patience than your kids in the back seat who are now yelling to put “that frozen song” on the radio.  You merge onto the freeway into the abyss that is our interstate system, potholes and all.  Wouldn’t you want something to make this all a little easier?  Why have a vehicle that makes the experience more stressful or difficult? 

Straight to the point, the minivan is our answer…  Now, back to the problem.  Minivans are what our parents drove.  Minivans are what old people drive.  Minivans make us feel like we are actually a parent.  That is why station wagons were replaced by vans several decades ago and this is now why SUVs are so popular.  They are the newest iteration of “something different than my parents drove.”  Now, obviously not everyone feels this way, but it is a major sentiment among people my age who are starting families of their own.  When I talked to several co-workers about doing a van review they made fun of the idea and called me an old man.  I realize it was in jest and still love them, but it perfectly displays the millennial mindset about the minivan.  That was until they rode in the van for a group trip to get lunch.  They were not only impressed with the space and versatility of the van, but were pleasantly surprised by how Kia’s quality is comparable to other makers at this point.  I completely agree.

Ultimately, the decision to get a van is something each parent will have to grapple with, however short or long the discussion, I would venture to say we will all think about it at some point.  Some will honestly not need one, others will delude themselves into thinking that an SUV will do the job better because they might “need” to go off-road once, while others will admit they wouldn’t be caught dead in a minivan.  All are perfectly acceptable responses and you are obviously allowed to do with your money as you see fit.  I for one will be looking more seriously at minivans in the future.  If they can all provide the same level of comfort, convenience and (a little bit of) style, then sign me up.  Soccer dad status, here I come!

The "why I got out" issue

     A recent opinion article posted on one of the many online military forums addressed the reasons why Officers get out of the Military (specifically Navy Surface Warfare Officers). It caused a bit of an uproar in the community resulting in several satirical pieces on other websites and a great deal of ensuing comments, some nice and others not so nice, in response to the author's point of view. This cycle seems to be repeating itself every few months with no real added substance to the debate or positive recommendations for how to help fix a problem that some argue doesn't even exist. I personally believe the author's points of view had merit but the reasons were either too generic or were reasons I have heard a million times before. So, in the hopes of stirring some positive debate and a potential solution to one issue, I submit my main reason for departing active duty which I believe is becoming more and more common among Junior Officers. I personally can only speak to the SWO community but I imagine this problem persists in all branches.
 

     Bottom line: The majority of military spouses are women (81% of all Navy SWOs are men according to PERS-41 career brief). They are outpacing their husbands in education and want to have a career of their own. Many post-graduate careers have state licensing/board requirements and are professionally difficult to move from one place to another every few years. Something has to give in these dual income military marriages and I think men are at a point where it is becoming more acceptable to take a "back seat" to their wives' career or at least make it a larger factor in their own career decision making process. If the military doesn't better address this concern they will begin to lose increasing numbers of excellent male and female Officers who may have otherwise stayed on Active Duty.

     Most studies on Millennials define the group as individuals born between 1980 and the late 1990s with the group currently somewhere between the ages of 18 and 35. This age group makes up the majority (by numbers) of the Officer population in the Military if you figure an O-1 normally starts at 22 years old (PERS-41 brief says O-1 to O-3 make up 70% of SWOs). The media frequently points out that this generation has many distinct differences with the preceding Gen-X and Boomers. The White House Council of Economic Advisors published a report in October 2014 entitled "15 Economic Facts About Millennials" that exemplified some of these differences. Besides the fact that Millennials are now the largest and most diverse generation in the U.S. population, they also have some very different priorities than their parents. Some examples include:

• Significantly higher percentages report the following life goals as "Quite or Extremely Important" (White House Report).
• Time for recreation
• Contribution to society
• Live close to family and friends
• Find new ways to experience things
• Millennials average hours spent parenting have increased for both fathers and mothers, tripling for fathers since 1985 and increasing by 60 percent for mothers (White House Report).
• Women are now outpacing men in college achievement. According to a 2012 report by the Council of Graduate Schools, 59% of first-time enrollments in Graduate-level education were women; 60% of Master's degrees and 52% of Doctoral degrees were conferred to women in the 2011-2012 academic year. This trend continues upward to this day with the gap widening between men and women.
• From 1950 to "... 2013 the median marriage age increased by more than 6 years for both genders, reaching 29.0 and 26.6 for men and women respectively." But the percentage of Millennials who say they want to get married and have kids are actually higher than both Boomers and Gen-X (White House Report).

 

     What does all this mean? Job market demographics are quickly changing and it will have dramatic effects on the Military; I personally believe it will affect Officers the most. Anecdotally I can say that these shifts are already having an effect. In my group of friends I am the underachiever; I have no less than a dozen military friends who personally hold or have a spouse either in school or already possessing extremely demanding post-graduate degrees including a couple of "double doctors," numerous JD and/or MBA and a few nursing or medical field Master's degrees.  These friends are high achievers and are attracted to people who share their desire for excellence in their professional lives.  My own wife holds four (yes, the number 4) post graduate degrees including a Doctorate and her professional drive was one of the things that made her very attractive when we began dating. Do you think many Military spouses want to purposely disregard all of that educational investment, put their career on hold and follow them around the world? Some make that sacrifice but I know of many who want to continue a rewarding career while making their marriage as healthy as possible. It is a deeply personal decision and I have the utmost respect for anyone's decision that is right for their family.

 

     With all those degrees in professional fields, many spouses now hold a license, have to pass the Bar, or own a practice somewhere near their Military partner. These professional necessities are not easy to move from state to state. As a matter of fact, this was one of the reasons I decided to transition to Reserve Duty and plant roots in one spot; my wife holds a CA state licensure for Marriage and Family Therapy and has a fantastic job I couldn't possibly ask her to give up. The way I figure, women have been sacrificing their professional lives for men all these years, why not equal things out a bit? Now don't get me wrong, there were other reasons, such as the desire not to be away from my daughter for extended periods of time, but it definitely weighed in my mind as unfair for her to make such a sacrifice.

 

     My recommended solutions are: a professional change in mentality/culture and legislation aimed at fixing the problem. First, the military needs to be aware that an increasing number of Military members have spouses who desire to work outside the home and therefore need greater geographic stability or options. It should not be seen as a major career faux-pa for someone to "homestead" in one place for extended periods of time. I will admit that I see more acceptance of homesteading than when my Dad was in the Navy but I personally have heard multiple Senior Officers express their distaste for Officers who resist changing duty station location, as if it is improper to even question the decisions of PERS. One Junior Officer I know who resisted an overseas move due to concerns about his wife's career was told to just accept their fate and "get over it." I realize that the needs of the Navy are vitally important but if the Military truly wants to keep the best people and maintain high morale there needs to be a better effort to find people who want to take orders in different locations instead of forcing someone to leave their family behind for two or three years. There are individuals who want to make moves, it just takes a little more time and effort to detail these people to the right jobs. I applaud the Navy for making positive strides in this area but I personally believe the problem will only get more challenging in the coming years.

 

     Second, there needs to be more legislative changes to allow for greater flexibility with professional licensing. There actually has been a lot of movement in this area over the last few years which is very promising. We all should address the fact that people are more mobile in their careers than ever before and we should not be so short sighted as to geographically limit high achieving individuals who contribute a great deal to society. The First Lady and Dr. Jill Biden, both obviously high achievers in their own right, have led a movement since 2012 to help remedy this problem and I think the Military has a vested interest in trying to encourage these positive changes in whatever way possible. I also believe the Military should be getting the word out to Military members that there have been changes recently and their Spouses may have more opportunities than they think. A little PR from HR about this issue could go a long way toward retaining good people.

 

     Not to be forgotten, one group I have failed to address that certainly deserves discussion are stay-at-home parents. PERS-41 reports that 38% of SWOs have children; I presume they are the more senior Officers. While there was an increase in the percentage of stay-at-home Mothers (and fathers!) over the last decade, according to PEW research "only 5% of married stay-at-home mothers with working husbands had at least a master's degree and family income higher than $75,000."  High income, educated families therefore are much less likely to have a stay-at-home mom.  Doesn't that sound like the exact situation I am discussing? I personally know that a married O-3 or O-4 in San Diego makes more than $75,000 so that means someone who fits the above description is in the small minority of households. The point I am trying to make is that I believe stay-at-home moms are on the decline in the Officer Community, especially since there are more female Officers (with male spouses) and a greater number of female spouses with advanced degrees which increases their options for employment outside the home.

 

     Please do not think I am somehow against stay-at-home parents or am judging this trend. I am merely stating observations and trying to provide sound evidence to back-up my claims. I was raised by a stay-at-home mother and have the utmost respect for someone who is able and willing to stay at home, but it looks like families with higher incomes and education are becoming less likely to have a stay-at-home parent. I am not saying whether that is a good or bad thing, just the fact that it is happening.

 

     Even though I am no longer on Active Duty I hope to continue to make a positive difference through service in the Reserves. I believe it is time to advance the discussion of Officer retention past mud slinging or personal slights. One of my senior leaders actually became offended when I said I was considering all options in my career, even getting out. He took the statement as a reflection on him that I thought his lifestyle wasn't good enough for me... I have heard multiple other JOs in my year group tell similar stories. I will say, however, that I am encouraged by a trend of greater acceptance by Senior Officers of those people who have decided to depart Active Duty. I have personally heard the Commander, Naval Surface Forces (CNSF) and his Chief or Staff both say that while they hope people choose to stay in, it is ok to get out, as long as you have a good plan and are making the decision for the right reasons. I think we should be open about what people want and if the Navy does the right things by having honest dialogue they won't have to convince people to stay in with large bonuses or other incentives. Cultural changes really do need acceptance at the top and hopefully this attitude trickles down to a place where JOs feel comfortable talking about their careers in an open way and receive truly good mentorship. Our Junior Officers deserve the kind of leadership CNSF is demonstrating.

 

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The opinions expressed here are my own and are meant to present one perspective on the topic of Officer retention. I encourage productive responses to this opinion and hope to hear from others on my thoughts in a respectful and positive discussion.

 

President Lincoln's death and our Family Heirlooms

Today (and tomorrow) marks the 150^th anniversary of the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln.  Now, you are probably thinking, “what a freakin’ horrible way to start Tim” but the reason I point out the historic date is because one of my most precious possessions is a newspaper from the morning after he was shot.  The framed copy of the cover of The New York Herald dated April 15, 1865 was found when my grandfather’s parents passed away and they cleaned out the house.  It is one of two physical connections I keep with my Papa that reminds me each day of my family and keeps me connected with previous generations.

Not only do we have this awesome piece of history in our living room but on the opposite wall hangs my Grandfather’s clock he received when he retired from Westinghouse.  My daughter has become fascinated with the clock.  The pendulum swings ticking away the seconds and it chimes every 15 minutes with the hourly strikes marking time.  She dances a little each time it chimes; starting the pendulum or winding the mechanism has become a part of our daily routine.  Not to be forgotten, the other side of my family is represented by my Grandmother’s suitcase from the 1950s, which sits under a table near the clock.  My daughter tries to hide behind it when we play hide and seek but invariably her little butt sticks out and she giggles as I “look” for her.

My wife’s family also has several important pieces of family history in our home.  During Christmas this past year we prominently displayed a large collection of decorations given to us by her Mom and Dad, which they collected throughout her childhood.  We put up her family nativity and also incorporate toys from her childhood into our daughter’s playtime.  In her room we display precious mementos such as my wife’s shoes she took her first steps in, ballet slippers she used and many other childhood memories that keep a watchful eye over our daughter as she sleeps. 

All of these little pieces of history are what make our house a home.  When I walk around cleaning up after a long day or sit down to enjoy dinner with my family, I am reminded that we are living out the dreams our ancestors wanted for their family: to be happy and prosperous.  I know that our relatives living and deceased are with us with each chime of the clock and those who aren’t with us can’t help but laugh as my daughter does something mischievous.  It may sound weird but I am even comforted by the smell of my Grandmother’s cigarettes that still permeates the inside of the clock; I can’t seem to bring myself to scrub that memory from the clock and my life. 

History is funny like that, even though the smell was awful when she was alive, it is my remaining connection to her that I now covet as a part of my childhood. 

As a parent, I hope to make positive memories and pass on these family heirlooms for my children to cherish and look back on as they raise families.  The lesson that Papa's clock reminds me each day: time is fleeting, don’t forget to enjoy the here and now.

The First column written at 1:30AM released by the War Department by Major General Dix in New York reads: "This evening at about 9:30PM, at Ford's Theatre, the President, while sitting in his private box with Mrs. Lincoln, Mrs. Harris and Major Rathburn, was shot by an assassin, who suddenly entered the box and approached behind the President."  The dispatch continues, "The wound is mortal."

  

In the center, released at 7:30AM by the Secretary of War (Edwin M. Stanton), a further dispatch reads, "The President continues insensible and sinking...  Abraham Lincoln died this morning at twenty-two minutes pat 7 o'clock."

On the right, released by Jefferson Davis on April 5th concerning the fall of Richmond reads: "Let us, then, not despond, my country-men but relying on God, meet the foe with fresh defiance and with unconquered and unconquerable hearts."  General Lee would surrender to General Grant four days later on April 9th.  General Grant was scheduled to attend the play at Ford's Theatre with Lincoln on April 14th but changed plans and travelled to New Jersey to visit family.

Papa's clock 

The big question: Minivan or SUV? Part 1

            At some point every parent considers his or her options for a family hauler.  Do I need more space than a sedan?  How many kids do we or will we have?  Are we planning to do a lot of activities like soccer and camping?  What kind of image do we want to present?  What company produces the most reliable product?  These are just a few or the many questions to consider when looking for the ideal family vehicle, not to mention the price of entry and cost of ownership propositions.  My purpose here is to discuss two of the most common family vehicles: the minivan and the medium sized SUV or crossover.  These are the vehicles you see most frequently with a “baby on board” placard, the family or honor roll stickers in the back window or (most telling) the exhausted mom or dad playing taxi shuttling the little ones from one place to another while singing nursery rhymes.  This is a major decision that parents will deal with on a daily basis; get it wrong and you could be regretting it for years.

            To answer this question I will be testing two new offerings from Kia: the all-new 2015 Sedona SXL and a recently refreshed Sorento to be reviewed at a later date.  I was able to arrange these reviews after meeting the Kia marketing team at the 2015 Dad 2.0 Summit in San Francisco.  At that event the entire Kia fleet was made available to the conference attendees to test around the city and review with the #kiadad hash tag.  Needless to say, I was very impressed with Kia.  I think many Americans would be skeptical of me saying that Kia is a quality brand with innovative products and a truly excellent value proposition.  Let us be honest, due to the relative newness of the brand in the US and previously below average vehicles that were sold on the cheap, many Americans don’t really want a Kia.  If you are one of those people let me level with you, it is time to give Kia some serious consideration when making your next vehicle purchase!

            I took the keys to our Sedona on Friday for a seven-day test that will include a trip (with two grandparents) to Disneyland from our home in San Diego.  The first thing I will say is that this van is a real looker!  Clad in a shimmering rich brown color with chrome wheels and a distinctively modern style this is not your parents’ old town and country from the 80s!  Yes it is still a minivan but if more minivans looked this good I think more young parents would warm to the idea of driving one.  Open the power sliding doors and no less than ten cup holders and at least seven different places to plug electronics in for charging (two of them are outlets just like home!) greet your family; two things that are crucial for a modern family.

Since this is a top of the line model there are several features that make the owners manual a little more necessary such as: driving mode, heated and cooled seats, heated steering wheel, lane departure warning, blind spot monitoring, adaptive cruise control and the 360 degree multi-view camera system which displays on the NAV screen.  The jury is still out on how useful or necessary all these bells and whistles are but they will be fun to play with.  One feature my daughter has already shown a love for is the huge second and third row sliding moon roof.  On our way to the lake for our Friday run she was crying so I decided to throw a Hail Mary and open the roof.  She instantly quieted down and was mesmerized for the rest of the ride… Priceless in my book.

            So far I have only had the chance to drive it around town and on the freeway to my weekend Navy Reserve time but my initial impression is very good.  The van is substantial (in a good way), nimble, quiet and responsive.  I was especially impressed with how quickly I was able to complete a U-turn with a tight turning radius and the perfectly positioned and very large dead pedal for my left foot.  When it comes to vehicles, I think the details are really what matter.  I also decided that this test was the perfect time to try out our daughter’s new “big girl” car seat.  She will ride around in the Britax Advocate we bought a few months ago based on positive online reviews.  It is a monster of a car seat with large side impact cushions and a plethora of adjustments that will make it her car seat for the next few years.  Installation in the van was simple and straightforward using the LATCH system that has become standard in vehicles with passenger seats since 2002.  I put it in the driver’s side second row captains chair which, combined with the large sliding door opening, should make entry and exit of the seat fairly easy.  I hope she likes it.

            Tomorrow we will be leaving bright and early for the land of magic in Anaheim with Mom, Dad, Baby, Grandma and Grandpa.  I will have them test every seating position, ease of entry and exit, comfort of the ride and give any feedback they think important.  As empty nesters, Grandma and Grandpa are just as likely to have a minivan as I am (they actually do); according to Motor Trend, 45% of minivan buyers don’t have a child at home anymore.  What they have to say will be just as if not more important to the industry as my impressions.  Let the family haulin’ fun begin!