Being Daddy and Becoming my Father

It hits with a force like no other; I am now a father.  After about a month on the job, I now realize that there is no other more abrupt change in your life, maybe besides death (but we will leave that one alone).  From the moment the nurse handed Charlotte to me I was awestruck by the love I felt for this little creature and terrified by the finality of the event...  No returns, exchanges, or refunds.  There is no receipt, owners manual or instructions.  This little person now depends on mom and I for everything: food, clothing, shelter and love.  We are a one stop shop that determines life and death of a human being.

Now before you get all dumbfounded and think "Tim you didn't realize this yet?" I will say that these thoughts definitely crossed my mind a few hundred times during and even before the pregnancy.  BUT all you need to drive the point home are a few nights spent rocking, swaying and shhhhhing your baby to really make it sink in.  Luckily for mankind there is this little switch that flips in men (or I should say I wish flipped in ALL men) where we go to work providing for and protecting our children.  In the first few weeks, without even noticing it, my mom (Charlotte's Grandma) pointed out that I had assumed my role as protector.  I was now walking the house locking doors and windows, picking things off the floor so we wouldn't trip over them in the dark at night, and starting youth savings and college savings accounts for the baby.

In essence, I had in every fashion turned into my father...  In the best sense of the meaning.  I am now more concerned about wearing comfortable / easy to wash clothing, safety / security of the home and cars, the financial stability of our future and, most importantly, turning off lights that aren't in use to save electricity.  I didn't see that one coming!  I used to make fun of my dad for lurking through the house turning out lights while mumbling something like "I'm not lighting the entire neighborhood."  Now I do this fatherly ritual in my sweatpants with a dad shuffle in the middle of the night.  The circle of life continues...

The transition was abrupt but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I look at the world in a completely different light.  The future means something different to me, in good and bad ways.  For example, at work I attended an experimental training session last week for the military to better train members about sexual assault.  During the training I became more furious and emotional than I could ever imagine.  At one point the session leader asked us to imagine a woman in our lives being raped.  I immediately realized that something as horrific as rape could happen to my daughter and a whole rush of emotions came over me.  I have always been very sensitive to this training and obviously take every session seriously because the problem is real but never before had I imagined my flesh and blood being in that situation.  Now I really can relate to the slightly joking line in movies about a gun and shovel that dads say.

Even with that experience I am overwhelmed with positive thoughts about my daughters future and the future of our family.  The possibilities are endless and as long as she is happy, I am going to be happy.  One of my students described the first time holding his baby before mine was born like "being superman; nothing beats it."  I didn't know it at the time but I couldn't agree more!  Watch out baby, daddy is putting on his cape.