Fake it Till You Become it

There is a rather poignant moment in Amy Cuddy's TED talk where she reveals her life changing car accident and the struggles she went through to overcome her injuries...  She ends up realizing that in order to feel accepted and comfortable in some situations you must not just fake it till you make it, but fake it till you become it.  Whatever that "it" is doesn't really matter, but up until tonight I don't think I really understood what she meant.

I have been fortunate to excel in most things I have put my mind to.  Part of that was avoiding things I knew I couldn't do, and part of that was working hard to succeed.  But one thing I have always thought negatively about was my writing ability and more specifically the strength of my writing in this blog.  I know I am not going to write the next great American novel and I probably make many grammatical errors my English teachers would scold but I enjoy putting my thoughts out in the world and having them here in (relative) safety where people can't criticism them to my face or provide in-person feedback in the form of a grimace, boo, or judgmental glance.

Today, however, I finally felt like a person who can write...  One who writes a blog, but a writer none-the-less.  I faced an audience of fellow Dad writers, many of whom have written multiple bestselling books, to read a simple post from over a year ago.  You know what?  I didn't burst into flames, nobody threw stuff at me, and I actually got a few decent laughs from the crowd.  I was by no means the most prolific speaker of the evening, but neither was I out of place in the room.  It was an amazing feeling to stand in front of a group I respect and admire so much and finally feel like a part of the club, one of the guys, one of the bloggers in the room.

I have been writing this blog for over 2 years now, but tonight I became a blogger.  I felt a sense of acceptance and pride as my words were digested by my peers.  And that is who they are, my fellow dads, my fellow bloggers, my fellow brothers, my peers.

DadSLAM 2016

What Dad 2.0 Means to Me

In a few hours I will be on a plane headed to my second Dad 2.0 Summit.  This year the beards, jeans and "dad bods" will descend on Washington, D.C. with the hopes of shaking things up in our Capital.  For some reason the purpose of this conference is lost on many people I talk to, or they just don't care, which is a tragedy.  While I can understand not wanting to blog or read about other peoples' personal stories the fact remains that most adults will have children at some point in their life, whether adopted, by marriage or the old fashioned way.  Even if you don't have children everyone should care about the current state of parenting because those kids will be the next generation of tax payers, politicians, doctors, etc. that you will deal with later in life.  This fact makes me want to be a part of Dad 2.0!


We are a community who cares deeply about the future.  You hear this sentiment a lot out there, mostly on the campaign trail followed by some hollow promise or vague statement about our country going in the toilet.  But for normal people out there, we actually worry about the future we are making for our children.  The Dad 2.0 Summit is full of men (increasingly women attend too) who want to actually make a difference in the world.  Being at a conference with 400+ energized, talented, intelligent and genuinely fun people with such an important common goal is motivating beyond words. 


Now, how does Dad 2.0 expect to make a difference?  By getting the word out (and changing negative stereotypes) that not only do Fathers matter a great deal in the life of a child, but there are already so many amazing examples of involved, caring, confident and active fathers to show the way for new fathers who want to be the best for their children.  And if that wasn't enough, it is actually fulfilling and cool to want to be the best father you can be.  What other mission out there is more impactful to our future?


By bringing together researchers, authors, businesses, bloggers, and (hopefully) politicians, we can influence the conversation and counter the image of dead-beat, lazy, detached or clumsy fathers who would rather leave that "parenting" thing to the women while we bring home the bacon.  You can already see the message making a difference.  Were you one of the 110 million people who watched the Super Bowl?  Remember some of the commercials from companies like Dove Men+ Care?  Why do you think their message centered around Dads and their kids?  Not only does this message resonate across generations but it reaches a major formerly untapped group of customers -  fathers!  Over the last decade or so changing demographic, employment and parenting trends have resulted in a more involved set of men making decisions about household product purchases and being more involved in decisions previously left to mom.  Dad 2.0 is about unleashing that purchasing power and showing businesses that Dads matter more than ever when they market a product.


Get ready for more from Washington, D.C. and I hope you join me in energizing the conversation about Dads.  It is an important discussion we must have for the future of some of the most important people in our lives, our kids!

Visit the website at: www.dad2summit.com

"Balancing" Family, Work, School, and Military

First of all, I know... we are all "busy."  I get that most people, whether they are or not, think their life is so much busier that everyone else's.  The reality is that most people have no concept what it is like to be truly busy.  When was the last time you legitimately had no time to sit down or sleep or watch some TV?  If you have watched TV in the last week but still haven't done the laundry, made dinner at home or spent some actual quality time with your significant other, then you are not truly busy.  You are just bad at prioritizing life.  That is harsh, and I imagine most people will stop reading now...


The truth is that our time is precious but time is the great equalizer for everyone.  No matter how rich or poor, educated or not, young or old, we all experience the same minutes, second and hours.  It is just how you use them that makes the difference.  In talking to people, I often hear "I just don't know how you do it all."  But the reality is that I have the same amount of hours in the day as anyone else and I still manage to get between six and eight hours of sleep almost every night.  This probably sounds like bragging, but I have a full-time job, am a full-time (evening) student in my MBA program, participate in Navy Reserves on a monthly basis, have a professional (with 5 degrees) working wife who is 7 months pregnant and a toddler who I personally put to bed 3-4 nights a week.  I am pretty sure there are people out there who could "one up" me with their list, but I have quite a lot going on.


What makes all this possible?  There is no secret...  Prioritizing the things that matter and organizing your life in simple but effective ways.  The first question you should ask if you are "too busy" is do I have a calendar and do I use it often?  If not then you are already losing at the busy battle.  The next thing you need to do is leverage your support network.  Don't have one?  Then why not?  I am extremely fortunate to have family that lives within running distance of our house but the reality is that no matter what your circumstances, you can have a great support network helping you tackle the challenges in your life.  There are plenty of ways to make contacts that can help and are willing to help for free.  If you are a single parent or dual income couple, then join a group that has like minded people and help each other out.  One of my co-workers started her own meet-up group for parents and has made some wonderful friends along the way that she can rely on to help in a crisis.  She had so much interest in the group that they have to turn people away to keep it from becoming too burdensome or unmanageable.  Finally, take a moment and actually write down all the things that matter to you.  Then put a precedence on them to decide which is most important and which you could stop doing.  You might be surprised where some of those urgent priorities actually sit.  Get rid of the dead weight and stop wasting time.  For example, we have been cable free for 5 years and don't miss it one bit!


I have boiled people down to two categories, those that are proactive and those that are reactive.  Proactive people anticipate their day, make a plan (even if they don't end up doing it) and take regular moments to check-in with their progress.  Reactive people sit back and wait for things to happen, blame others for their problems and are generally the people who talk about how "busy" they are all the time. 


Before you think I am judging anyone, I will be honest that I don't always fall into the former category.  It is a struggle to be proactive and fill your day with substantive activities that make a difference... but that is life.  We all are just trying to find an equilibrium where happiness, fulfillment and responsibilities play out.  Balancing means you are on the edge of falling off; next time you feel overwhelmed try thinking of what is important to you and prioritize.  This way you won't ever be in danger of going over the cliff. 

Military Leave Changes for Parents

Last week the Pentagon announced "extremely generous" maternity and paternity leave policy changes making all branches equal with 12 weeks of paid leave for new mothers and 14 days of paid leave for new fathers.  Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter said this puts the U.S. Military "in the very top tiers of American employers."  With all the discussion on the radio and TV two things became apparent: Americans perspective on paid parental leave is horrible and many Civilians don't know how the Military Leave system works.


The military has two types of "time off."  The first is called liberty.  At the end of the normal work day and on weekends, liberty is normally granted by a superior.  Liberty can be restricted for "minor" infractions but the vast majority of U.S. based Military personnel go home at the end of the day unless they are part of the group that has duty, must stand a watch or are deployed.  These are the people who are ready to react to an emergency, perform security functions, direct forces in a Command and Control center, etc.  In that situation, they don't go on liberty.  In overseas areas liberty might just involve going to the gym, recreation space, eating or living space.


The second type of time off is called leave.  Every Active Duty Military person received 2.5 days of paid leave each month.  This equates to 30 days of paid leave a year.  While this sound generous to many people the caveat is that when taking leave a Military person must take the weekends too.  Most commands in the Military have policies and boundaries explaining when you must take leave and when you are just on liberty.  For example a Navy ship may say that if you stay within 200 miles of the ship, you are on liberty, but if you go outside 200 miles or take a plane somewhere then you must take leave for the entire time until you return.  This allows supervisors to know who is in a position to report for duty if something happens and the command must react.  In that case you could end up using half of your leave for the Christmas Holiday alone by flying to see relatives. 


Finally, the one thing the Military doesn't have is sick leave.  As a result of on base medical personnel anyone feeling ill has to most often go to "sick call" in the morning where people are seen by medical personnel in the order they arrived.  If a person is deemed too sick to perform their duties they are then places on "Sick in Quarters" (SIQ) status and go home for the specified about of time the doctor thinks you need.  What that means is no waking up, calling in sick and getting back under the covers...


For many Military members, this leave system results in situations where depending on home life, family, deployment schedule etc. either have a lot of leave to use or have very little leave to use.  If, for example, your extended family lives near where you work, then during the Holidays you may not need to take a lot of leave whereas someone who has to fly home would need to use leave.  On the flip side, when SIQ the person doesn't need to take leave, so the system has its benefits and drawbacks, like most things in life.

Before last week the amount of time off an active duty mother had post birth was based on whether she had a Vaginal birth (6 weeks) or C-section (8 weeks).  This "convalescent leave" was granted not for bonding time but for the mother to medically recover from the birth, which is good, but not great.  12 weeks across the board is a great step in the right direction but as a society Americans have ridiculously low expectations for paid Maternity leave, much less, Paternity leave.  We must stop saying that family is the most important thing in life and then neglect to make policies that reflect our values.  I am sure there are lots of valid arguments against greater paid parental leave, most deal with government intrusion into our lives and financial aspects, but I think it says a lot about our society when we don't let parents be parents, especially for those precious first months of life.  There is no reason a wealthy nation like the United States can't afford to make an investment in the next generation!