Acknowledging Others in our Successes

The sometimes controversial saying "It takes a village to raise a child" came into U.S. politics in the mid-1990s but after some research I learned that the concept actually comes from African culture and proverbs. Whether you agree with the saying or not I would like to put my own spin on the sentiment... "It takes a (very understanding) family to raise a grad school parent."  It has become clear to me that we as societies, families, neighborhoods, etc. are more inter-reliant than many realize and we should all work toward helping each other succeed because if one person has success then we all benefit.

As many of you know, I recently graduated with my MBA from the University of San Diego after two and a half years of in-person evening classes on campus.  Most of those years I was gone 3 to 4 nights a week from 530-10pm after a full day of work.  It wasn't easy on my family and I have a newfound respect for anyone going through night classes and for single parents (including all the amazing parents who have a spouse on military deployment or travel frequently for business).  Leading up to commencement I was asked by the graduation committee to speak on behalf of my cohort and the reaction I had from family, friends and faculty at the school after the speech was amazing.  I decided nothing I could write here will express my sentiments better so here is the text of what I said at graduation:

"Distinguished faculty, staff, guests and graduates.  When I was asked to represent the Professional MBA program and speak about what this program has meant to me I racked my brain about all the possible topics I could address.  Without a doubt, the outstanding faculty and staff have been highlights of the program, the rigorous curriculum and insightful discussions in class were invaluable, the networking events kept the program personal and my classmates are without a doubt some of the finest people I have had the pleasure to work with.  However, I kept returning in my mind to something else that I felt important to discuss and acknowledge; they are the families, loved ones and mentors behind the scenes that have made this degree possible.  This comes from the perspective of the Professional MBA because most of us maintain a full time job and on the whole have more personal responsibilities in our lives than many younger full-time students in the program.

Now, for some context from my personal story... I started this program on Active Duty in the Navy with a 5-month-old daughter, a condo and my amazing wife.  On this day I now have a precocious 2 and half year old (who is going on 15), a 7 month old son, we sold the condo, bought a house, I transitioned from Active Duty to Reserves, got a new Civilian Job, and I began work on a Second Master's degree.  All the while my wife has held a demanding job in private practice and is an adjunct professor at SDSU. Thankfully she is the same wife I had at the beginning of the program!

I give you that context so you can understand where I am coming from in these remarks. Without my family and friends supporting me, I would never have completed this program. Without the mentors I had in this program (some of whom are here today), I would never have completed this program.  Without the higher purpose of Corporate Social Responsibility threaded throughout this degree, I would never have completed this program.

So to answer the topic suggested by the graduation committee of what this program has meant to me.  I answer that it has given me the best education in life to continue working as a leader, manager, consumer and family man.  I now look at the world in a very different way than the first day I stepped into class.  I look at the world more holistically, more critically, and I am enthusiastically positive about the future of business because of the direction business academia and business leaders are headed.  I have expanded my mind in ways I never knew were possible and have challenged my perceptions of the world.  In short, this program has profoundly changed me in ways both big and small that will stick with me for life.

Martin Luther King Jr. once wrote: “The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.”  Based on my experience I believe Dr. King would be very proud of this MBA program.  A program that not only concerns itself with imparting knowledge but more importantly focuses on the character of its students and the responsibility we have to people, profit, and planet to do the right thing and understand the broader impacts of our decisions as leaders.

I am very grateful for this opportunity to speak and would like to offer my congratulations to each of the graduates here today, I am sure the road you travelled was just as special and I consider myself lucky to be included in a group of such outstanding men and women.

Finally, I would be remiss without personally addressing my daughter Charlotte who has only known life with Daddy in school 4 nights each week.  Thank you for understanding why I had to leave each night before you went to bed.  We have some fun catch-up time to start and a new swing set to put together!  I love you sweetie!"

Parenting, Politics and Making a Decision in 2016

*** Disclaimer: the views expressed by the author are his alone, in no way reflect an endorsement by any organization or entity, and in no way solicits or campaigns for the vote of one candidate over another. ***

Let me just say it upfront, this election is horrific!  As with most of the world I am disgusted with how American politics have devolved into a Kindergarten playground with name calling, insults and lying like we have never seen.  Actually, that is a little bit of an insult to Kindergarteners...  Sorry kids!
 
Having children for the first time during a major election season has changed my thought process more than I could have ever imagined.  The "choice" we have been given by a faulty (at best) primary process is truly disheartening. I see great opportunity to really tackle serious issues our nation faces but unfortunately we have been distracted for so long and taught the "other side" is evil, corrupt, etc. that we can't have a discussion without shouting at each other.  I don't think we are even trying to debate any more, we are just trying to win and shout louder than the other person.


I was a proud Republican until 2014. I was involved in President Bush's 2004 re-election effort while in college and rode the wave of patriotism following 9/11 like most of the nation.  I believed, and still believe, we are truly fighting for something that matters; freedom, prosperity and peace.  I respected the political elite as a group of knowledgeable, legitimate and (mostly) honest people who had my best interests at heart.  Fast forward a decade and two things have changed; I no longer believe the Republican party represents my beliefs and the hatred I feel coming from the GOP is like nothing I could have ever imagined.  I remember a time not too long ago that I would roll my eyes at someone claiming the GOP is racist or sexist as nothing more than Liberal propaganda but how else can you explain what you see now?  I would love to know how the last few years of anti-Obama/Hillary rhetoric, and the extremely unfortunate phenomenon known as Donald Trump, can be explained by anything other than white people (mostly men) feeling their way of life is threatened by outsiders who don't have a right to run this country?  I know a lot of people who will hate that statement but it is how I really feel.


The current vitriol is palpable and not because I am tainted by MSNBC or CNN slant.  I pride myself on being able to see arguments from both sides and there is no other possible reason for what I see right now.  And that hurts me to say!  I am a white male and can see how that feeling is an easy way out.  Remember "it's the economy, stupid" during the 1992 campaign?  Well, as always, that rings true today.  From the perspective of a white male trying to provide for his family while having trouble getting a job it is easy to want someone to blame.  Unfortunately the reality is that market forces have resulted in industry rise and fall that have little to nothing to do with that brown man who just moved in across the street.  Life isn't fair and sometimes we have to admit that there is either no one to blame other than the situation or we need to up our game to succeed.  That is hard to do so I think many people are taking the path of least resistance and blaming the closest target which has driven a wedge in society.


I am not here to argue whether Obama is a good President or promote his policies, but one thing is sure in my mind.  I can respect him, even if I don't agree with him, because he follows his convictions, values intelligence and acts like an adult while in the most important office in the world.  Is he perfect? Of course not, but no President has ever been perfect no matter how much we may place them on a pedestal.

How can we as parents allow this kind of thing to happen in our own lives?  How can we show our kids that taking the easy way out is right?  How can we become so concerned with being right all the time that we lose sight of the real issues?  My parents always instilled that hard work, self reliance and respect were keys to success.  I take those lessons to heart today and want to teach my children that no matter what you think, respectful discourse, honesty and personal responsibility are still keys to success.  Love your neighbor, even if you don't agree with them... You have no idea what their life experience has led them to value.


With all the above in mind I don't envy parents' decision this cycle.  When (if) you go to the polls what will you tell your kids when they are old enough to vote and ask you about the crazy 2016 election?  After the first debate I have made up my mind.


- I can't imagine saying to my kids that Donald Trump was the right choice for America.  The ridiculousness that comes from that man is impossible to handle.  He is the worst candidate for President I can imagine and the debate this week sealed that impression for me.  He is the closest thing to Hitler that America has ever seen and I am extremely afraid of the direction he would take our country if elected. And I am not exaggerating in how I feel.  Can you look your kid in their eyes and say that someone who proudly and purposefully uses the most derogatory language, espouses hatred whenever he can and treats people in the most disrespectful ways you can imagine deserves to sit in the oval office?  I don't care if he is a straight shooter or is "a good business man" (he is not).  He is a skillful manipulator who has found a way to blame his way to the top of the GOP.


- I would love to say that Johnson is a viable third option but the truth is that he has very little chance to change the narrative of the election post first debate.  Before that he had a chance but modern politics necessitates face time and he doesn't have it.  Can you imagine the House of Representatives electing the next President?  In the election of 1800 it took 7 days and 36 ballots to elect Jefferson!  You want to see your retirement and pension wiped out in the Stock Market due to uncertainty?  Go ahead and see how that plays out...

- I also have serious hesitations about Hillary but I now question those hesitations because of the human tendency toward consistency.  I have always been told Hillary is a liar, cheat, crook, etc. and as a Republican it was expeditious for me to espouse those talking points because I was remaining consistent with the party line.  While there are multiple examples where I seriously question her actions I have decided to challenge that narrative and in my mind those concerns in no way make her the worst candidate in this election.  Taking a step back and evaluating her with fresh eyes... She is without question the most qualified Presidential candidate in modern history (possibly ever) based on her resume alone.  In this age of credentialism I can think of no other metric with which to make this decision.  It just turns out that the GOP's horrible choice for a candidate made my hesitations a lot easier to get over.


I want to be able to look my kids in the eyes and say I voted for someone who, while flawed, at least saw the good in this country and decided to continue the difficult fight of working together instead of dividing the people they represent.

So, here it goes... I'm with Her!  This registered independent is becoming more blue with each passing derogatory tweet. The GOP needs to wake up...  You are no longer the party of Lincoln and Reagan.  If both were living right now, they would be ashamed.


One of my MBA professors (in a class called Power and Politics) once made a comment that resonates a great deal with me now. He said, "people in power want us to hate politics and be divided; it makes the process easier and more predictable for them."


Each of you have all the right in the world to disagree with me, that is what makes our country so amazing.  I hope we never forget that!  Just remember, our kids are watching and they see more than we think. Keep it civil.

Learning the Hard Way... Lesson From my Daughter

This was not my finest moment...


I recently returned home from work and desperately wanted to finish some chores around the house, including mowing the lawn... Working a full time job, doing Reserve work on the weekends and attending MBA night classes makes those chores pile up on occasion.  My very understanding wife was holding down the fort inside while I went outside to tackle our small front yard and hopefully get in quickly for dinner.  Unfortunately my new lawn mower (a battery powered model) ran out of juice in the middle of the job.  I became frustrated because I knew I should have put it on the charger beforehand.  When I went to use the charger and hopefully get the job finished after dinner I realized that the charger was defective out of the box!  I became extremely frustrated because I knew I had thrown the receipt in the trash on accident a few days before.  At this point my wife asked me to come in and worry about it later so we could keep the kids on their normal night time routine.


I came in and resumed helping with the kids and getting things ready for dinner.  Wife had already cooked everything so we sat down to eat after washing up and in the course of our conversation I let my emotions get the best of me.  After telling my wife that I had thrown the receipt out for the lawn mower and therefore may not be able to exchange the charger she reminded me that it is a good idea to save receipts... This is not the first time I have made this mistake.  In that moment I forgot the little ears in the room and snipped back "please don't talk right now, I know what I did."


My daughter immediately took my side, looked at her mother and loudly stated "yeah mommy, don't talk right now."  I was horrified.  Is that what I sounded like?  Did that just come out of my 2 year old?  What am I teaching her!?


In that moment I realized the true gravity of my example on my children.  While my wife knew I was reacting out of frustration and that she wasn't the real target of my emotions my daughter took the moment at face value and ran with it.  I then spent the next few minutes explaining what had happened and why what I said was wrong and disrespectful.  She seemed to understand what I had said and actually apologized to mommy after I said sorry.  This was what I like to call eating a big piece of humble pie... Basically taking full responsibility for my error, eating my pride and trying my best to fix the problem. 


I now realize with eyes wide open that my children mirror what I say and do because I am the example they see on a daily basis.  From here on out I will endeavor to keep my emotions at bay and react with my kids in mind.  It is imperative that I teach both my daughter and son how to properly treat other people, especially their mother who I adore and respect with all my heart.

Guide to San Diego

In the interests of helping those Dads coming to Dad 2.017 in San Diego, I have complied the following "user guide" to San Diego so you can make your visit the best possible.  While the intention is to help Dad Bloggers with their trip this is also a good general guide to all things San Diego.

First of all, "San Diego" is BIG.  People use the name San Diego to basically refer to anything within about an hour and a half drive of Mexico.  The City of San Diego covers an area of about 370 square miles and with that in mind, most people refer to neighborhood areas to be more specific.  Going from South to North here are the main neighborhoods and what they have to offer:

• San Ysidro is the area just north of the border.  Generally speaking it is an area that I wouldn't be in past dark.  There is a good (and safe) outlet mall you can access from the last highway exit before getting to the border.  It is possible to park near that mall and walk across a pedestrian bridge into Mexico.  If you go over, I highly recommend having your passport and at least 1 other form of ID, just to be safe.  You used to be able to cross without a passport but it has gotten more restrictive lately so don't chance it.  Without crossing the border you can still see into Mexico and get a view of the huge flag flying just inside Mexico. 
• Imperial Beach is the southern most beach in SOCAL and is a very laid back area.  Like San Ysidro it is a little lower income and may not be a good spot after night in some places.
• Coronado is the "island" North of IB and is really a peninsula (also its own city).  You can either drive up the Silver Strand from IB or take the Coronado Bridge (no toll) from I-5 just south of Downtown SD.  Coronado is quintessential SOCAL small town.  I highly recommend a minimum of taking a drive down Orange Avenue and check out the Hotel del Coronado.  This beach is also consistently ranked as one of the best in the nation.  You are able to walk through the hotel without being a guest and there are some good restaurants and bars there too.  Otherwise, Coronado has a fantastic view of Downtown SD and also is home to U.S. Naval Air Forces and the aircraft carriers, when they are in port.  There is a ferry that goes between downtown and Coronado that is a fun way to go back and forth if you have more time.
• Downtown San Diego has a lot to offer.  The Gaslamp Quarter is where many of the trendy restaurants, bars and nightlife reside, mostly on 4th - 6th Avenues.  PETCO park is the Padres stadium and may have events happening during the offseason.  If you want to get a great view while enjoying a drink check out "Altitude Sky Lounge" in the Marriott next to PETCO Park or "Top of the Hyatt" in the Manchester Grand Hyatt on the waterfront.  Neither has a cover at night but the drinks can be pricy.  The touristy part of Downtown worth checking out is Seaport Village which has undergone a nice revitalization in the last couple years.  There are a lot of cool shops, eateries and a semi-boardwalk style area along the waterfront.  Just north of Seaport Village is the USS Midway museum which has the "Kissing Statue" next to it.  Overall, Downtown is a safe area at all times, but is best to stay in the gaslamp or near the hotels along the water at night.  As a general rule the further east you go in downtown the worse it gets.  Just northwest of Downtown is Little Italy which has some amazing food and shops just a few blocks from the water and is home to one of the most popular farmer's markets in SOCAL on Saturdays from 8am-2pm.

Downtown San Diego at Night (Petco Park on the right)

Source: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c7/San_diego_panorama.jpg

• North of Downtown is Balboa Park, which is actually larger than Central Park in NYC.  It has the world famous San Diego Zoo.  This is a must visit if you have time and brought the kids.  It is unlike any zoo I have ever been to and I still go.  The park itself has a nice historic area with museums and galleries you can walk around.

Balboa Park looking south (Museums in the foreground)

Source: https://ideasinspiringinnovation.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/san-diego_balboa-park-10.jpg

• Just West of Balboa Park are Bankers Hill (residential area) and Hillcrest.  Take sixth avenue north out of Downtown and it will take you along the western border with Balboa Park and into Hillcrest which is a fantastic and eclectic restaurant area.  Hillcrest is proud of being San Diego's LGBT friendly and culturally diverse neighborhood.  You will find food from all over the world.  Also worth a try is Hash House which is a well known brunch place.  San Diegans brunch on the weekend like it is a sport so join in!
• West of Downtown and Hillcrest is the airport which is in Point Loma.  Harbor Drive runs the entire length of the waterfront and is probably the first road you will drive on leaving the arrivals terminal.  Point Loma is a very nautical area with marinas and yacht clubs lining the waterfront.  There are great views of the water and downtown from Harbor Island.  If you drive west on Harbor Drive and keep going out onto the point you will find the Cabrillo National Monument and old Point Loma lighthouse which are on National Park land.  To get there you will drive through the National Cemetery and past the Naval Submarine Base.  The Cabrillo Monument, Lighthouse and view of all San Diego are definitely worth the trip and small fee per car to access the park.  There is a museum which discusses San Diego's early history and some nice hiking trails along the water.  I recommend going down to the tide pools which are on the ocean side of the point.  At low tide you can go out on the rocks and explore a lot of great sea life.  Whale watching "season" is December to April so Dad 2.0 could be great timing for some whales migrating along the coast which I have seen from Point Loma before.

Old Point Loma Lighthouse from the West with Downtown in the distance

Source: http://blog.sandiego.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/point-loma-tw-1000x562.jpg


• North of Point Loma is Ocean Beach which I think of as the last quiet holdout on the coast of old SOCAL beach towns.  The center of town is lined with old shops and bars.  There is a pier you can walk out on and see most of the coast on a clear day.  Also near OB is Sunset Cliffs, a beautiful spot for a quick walk or just to sit and enjoy the water view and setting sun on clear days.  Inland slightly from OB and North of Point Loma is SeaWorld which really needs no explanation.

One of our engagement photos at Sunset Cliffs


• SeaWorld sits on the southern edge of Mission Bay which is a great outdoor/watersport area.  Most of the small islands in the bay are protected from development.  Boat rentals and resorts mostly line the rest of the area.
• North of IB and West of Mission Bay is Mission Beach which marks the southern end of the main beach boardwalk in San Diego.  Mission Beach is the more family friendly side of the beach.  There is an old wooden roller coaster and beach carnival area the kids might like.  Parking can be tight but in February it shouldn't be as busy.  The southern end of the Mission Beach has a large parking lot with dozens of volley ball courts open to public use as first come, first served if that is your thing.

Belmont Park (Mission Beach) from the West

Source: http://www.sdhealthyliving.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/mission-beach-boardwalk.jpg

• North of Mission Beach is Pacific Beach which has the continuation of the beach boardwalk.  PB is known as the trendy beach area which means it has a lot of college students and tourists.  The 2 main streets in PB which run east-west are Grand Ave and Garnet Ave.  Garnet Ave. has a lot of restaurants, bars and shops.  It is definitely worth a look!

Pacific Beach and Mission Bay from the North (Crystal pier in PB on bottom right)

Source: http://www.oceanlight.com/stock-photo/pacific-beach-picture-22333-798391.jpg


• North of PB is La Jolla which is still a part of San Diego.  This is where the Dad 2.0 conference will be held.  The Hyatt Regency La Jolla is 14 miles north of the airport and will take about 20 minutes to get to without traffic.  La Jolla is like the Beverly Hills of San Diego.  It is full of amazing homes, upscale shopping, restaurants and beautiful views.  La Jolla Cove (also called Children's Pool) is a big landmark where you are almost guaranteed to watch seals/sea lions on the beach and swimming in the cove. University of California San Diego is located just North of La Jolla.  Near La Jolla is also Torrey Pines Golf Course and State Natural Reserve.  If you like golf or hiking then this is a beautiful place.  The park is in view of some of the golf course so park at the bottom of the hill and either hike up the hill and back down on the beach or the other way around.  It is about a 2-4 hour hike depending on how fast you want to go and if you take any of the side trails.

"Children's pool" in La Jolla with Seals on the Beach

Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/124834220891269252


• Inland from Mission Bay and the rest are a few areas worth a look.  Taking I-8 east from the ocean you will go through Fashion Valley and Mission Valley.  Fashion Valley is called that because of the large upscale mall which is at the intersection of I-8 and CA-163.  It is an outdoor mall that I definitely recommend taking a look at if that is your thing.  You will find shops that run the gamut from JC Penny to Gucci.  Also near Fashion Valley is University of San Diego which is a beautiful campus and has a historic, active Catholic Church.  Mission Valley is a little east of Fashion Valley and got its name because that is where you can find Mission San Diego de Acala which is the most recent version of the mission Father Junipero Serra erected on July 16, 1769.  Otherwise, Mission Valley is the location (for now) of Qualcomm Stadium where the Chargers play. 

Mission San Diego de Alcala

Source: http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2785/4313316934_fa6facb30e_o.jpg


• Further East of Mission Valley is mostly suburbs but there are a few places you could be interested in going.  Cowles Mountain is part of the Mission Trails Regional Park and is the tallest point in San Diego.  You can hike to the top in about 45 minutes to an hour and is a great 360 degree view of all of San Diego and the mountains to the East.  Also along I-8 is San Diego State University which has a great campus.
• North of La Jolla are several other beach/coastal towns (going south to north): Del Mar, Solana Beach, Encinitas, Carlsbad and Oceanside.
• In North County you will find LEGOLAND (hello Friday night LEGO event?!), the famous Del Mar Racetrack, the Carlsbad Outlets and Mission San Luis Rey.  At the northern border of those areas is Camp Pendleton which is home to the Third Marine Expeditionary Force.  If you drive north to Los Angeles, you will go directly through the base, which is very large by area (125 sq mi) and runs 17 miles along the ocean.
• Inland and north of San Diego are a couple spots you may be interested in visiting.  Temecula is SOCAL's wine country which has really grown in the last decade or so.  My favorites are Briar Rose, Lorimar, Robert Renzoni and Monte de Oro.  You can't go wrong with South Coast or Wilson Creek (famous Almond Champagne) but expect them to be more crowded.  About an hour and a half north east of San Diego you will find Santa Ysabel (Dudley's Bakery) and Julian which is an old mining town now famous for Apple products (Julian Apple Pie Company) and the main street lined with antiques shops and quaint restaurants/cafes.

Briar Rose Winery (tastings are by appointment only, well worth it!)

Source: http://sandiegodealsandsteals.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/20130511_132828.jpg

Monte de Oro Winery

Source: http://www.visittemeculavalley.com/includes/images/listings/monte_de_oro.jpg

Main Street Julian (1.5 hour drive through mountains from Downtown SD)

Source: http://static.panoramio.com/photos/large/73009979.jpg


• If you decide to explore further, Los Angeles is about 2 hours north of San Diego, depending on traffic and where you are headed.  Plan for the coast traffic to be bad in the evening hours, no matter which way you are traveling. 

Airports:

• San Diego International Airport (SAN) is a relatively small airport considering the size of the city and is broken up into 2 terminals.  If you are traveling via Southwest, Alaska or Frontier you will go to Terminal 1, all others go through the renovated Terminal 2.
• A lesser known option is John Wayne Airport (JWA) in Orange Country near Irvine which is about an hour and a half from the hotel in La Jolla.  I have had some luck getting considerably cheaper flights into this airport and then driving, if that is something you are willing to do.
• The other obvious option is Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) which is a little over 2 hours from the hotel in La Jolla.

Beaches:  Different beaches are better for different situations depending on what type of beach activity you want to do.  If you want to surf then North PB (north of the Crystal Pier) is probably the best spot because other beaches restrict surfing.  If you are doing the beach with kids then South PB, all of Mission Beach, Coronado and La Jolla are best.  Be aware, alcohol was banned on the beaches after an unfortunate "riot" in 2007 so you have to drink in the bars and then go to the beach.  Police do patrol the beaches for violators.  If you want to just see the beach and some amazing scenery then the La Jolla cove and the "Children's pool" are great.
Rental cars: SAN airport recently consolidated all car rental agencies into one parking garage which is a bus ride from the airport.  If there is a lot of volume it can be a 15-20 minute wait to get on the shuttle buses to the new garage, but once you get there it is extremely efficient finding your car and getting on the road.

Party of four... the first month

Our son was born a little over a month ago and that time couldn't have passed more quickly.  It is amazing how time seems to speed up more and more as I age.  That isn't to say this past month has been bad, quite the contrary.  I am reaching a point of total happiness and contentment that I have never felt in my life.  The simple moments have become the best moments, the mundane has become special, the quiet days have become my favorite. 


I will admit that I had concerns about adding another member to our family.  Would it upset the beautiful party of three we had?  Would we have enough time and love to spread? Would our daughter feel left out or less connected to my wife and I?  It turns out those fears were completely ridiculous because having a second child has done nothing but enrich our family and make us even more loving.  The sweetest moments of my day are watching my two year old kiss her infant brother and say "I love you baby."  She does it so much now that we have to preface each time with "be gentle sweetie" or "careful."  She loves him so much that we are worried she may smother the poor kid.  It also turns out that love is infinite.  How could I have ever worried about not being able to love more kids?  My son is so cute that it almost hurts and I find myself just staring at his tiny face and ignoring the world around me.


Now it hasn't all been perfect.  We have had a little jealousy from our toddler.  She definitely makes "power moves" to get cuddle time with me every now and then and sometimes fights for our attention when the baby is crying or we focus on him too much but that is to be expected.  What we didn't expect was a comment she made to me one afternoon.  Completely out of the blue while I was getting her out of the car on our way home from school she said "Mommy doesn't love me anymore."  I immediately stopped in my tracks and asked her why she could even think that.  She replied very matter of fact, "because she had THAT baby."  With that comment my heart tore a little and we spent that evening showering her with affection and talking to her about the baby just needing more time from mommy but it won't always be that way.  Our daughter is surprisingly good at understanding rationale in my opinion and she said "ok" and we haven't heard anything more about that.


Time has definitely become more precious with two at home and all the normal commitments of work, school and life in general.  I can't be more thankful for my amazing wife taking things in stride.  I am in the home stretch of finishing my MBA and there is light at the end of the tunnel but leaving a few nights a week to attend classes isn't easy.  Last night I had a final exam and it was like torture trying to put my daughter to bed in time to get on the road.  How can I deny "another milk daddy?" or "please don't go to work"?  This is what marriage is all about; supporting each other and a give and take of time to meet the day-to-day priorities.  Now that the semester is over it is my turn to repay her hard work. 


So far I am loving our party of four and can't wait to see the sibling bonds between our kids grow with time.  One thing is certain, my son is in for a bossy, protective but loving older sister.  Welcome to the world big guy, you add to our family in so many wonderful ways!  

The Pending Arrival of my Son

Few moments in my life compare to the birth of my daughter.  It was an experience like no other and transcends every day life in ways I cannot even begin to describe in words.  Now, I am preparing to relive that experience again (tomorrow, most likely) with the birth of my second child, this time a son.  Two years have passed since my wife and I were in the hospital welcoming our daughter and in the time since I have learned a lot about myself. 


First, I am able to withstand more sleep deprivation than I ever thought possible, but my wife is even better at it (love you honey).  Second, I am more intentional with my days, planning more than ever, taking time to prepare for events ahead of time and doing my best to remain present in the moment, which I still struggle with at times.  Finally, I have learned new levels of love I never knew existed.  The trio my wife, daughter and I have formed is simply amazing.  When we three are alone at home enjoying the simple things it is the most happy, content and joyful times I can imagine in my adult life.  How will that change with my son?  Will upsetting the status quo change what we have?


I am suddenly hit with the realization that life will never be the same and that is a little unnerving because things are so good right now.  I am sure our lives are about to become even more full of love, laughter and excitement but I think it is a good practice to acknowledge the present and keep a memory of how our little trio used to be.  Son, I think you are pretty damn lucky to be joining this family!  That Mom of yours is simply the best...  She will agonize about your health, well being and future, and it may annoy you at times but that is just what moms do and believe me, it is for the best.  Us men need a good woman in our lives to keep things straight.  That brings me to your big sister.  She already loves you more than you know.  Each night before you were born she kissed mommy's belly saying good night and lately has been asking why you haven't "popped" yet.  She wants to meet you so bad and I know she will be an amazing big sister.  Just get ready to be bossed around a little...  She will "Mom" you like crazy but go with it, she is crazy smart and is probably right.


In addition to the excitement I feel, I can't help but feel some apprehension.  Will I be the kind of Dad he needs?  Even though I never played football or baseball in High School, will I be able to do the sports thing with him?  Am I the right person to teach him the "manly" stuff?  Does that stuff even matter that much anymore?  Will he be proud to call me his Dad? 


I certainly hope so because I can't wait to meet you little man.  I hope to be the great Dad you deserve!

Fake it Till You Become it

There is a rather poignant moment in Amy Cuddy's TED talk where she reveals her life changing car accident and the struggles she went through to overcome her injuries...  She ends up realizing that in order to feel accepted and comfortable in some situations you must not just fake it till you make it, but fake it till you become it.  Whatever that "it" is doesn't really matter, but up until tonight I don't think I really understood what she meant.

I have been fortunate to excel in most things I have put my mind to.  Part of that was avoiding things I knew I couldn't do, and part of that was working hard to succeed.  But one thing I have always thought negatively about was my writing ability and more specifically the strength of my writing in this blog.  I know I am not going to write the next great American novel and I probably make many grammatical errors my English teachers would scold but I enjoy putting my thoughts out in the world and having them here in (relative) safety where people can't criticism them to my face or provide in-person feedback in the form of a grimace, boo, or judgmental glance.

Today, however, I finally felt like a person who can write...  One who writes a blog, but a writer none-the-less.  I faced an audience of fellow Dad writers, many of whom have written multiple bestselling books, to read a simple post from over a year ago.  You know what?  I didn't burst into flames, nobody threw stuff at me, and I actually got a few decent laughs from the crowd.  I was by no means the most prolific speaker of the evening, but neither was I out of place in the room.  It was an amazing feeling to stand in front of a group I respect and admire so much and finally feel like a part of the club, one of the guys, one of the bloggers in the room.

I have been writing this blog for over 2 years now, but tonight I became a blogger.  I felt a sense of acceptance and pride as my words were digested by my peers.  And that is who they are, my fellow dads, my fellow bloggers, my fellow brothers, my peers.

DadSLAM 2016

What Dad 2.0 Means to Me

In a few hours I will be on a plane headed to my second Dad 2.0 Summit.  This year the beards, jeans and "dad bods" will descend on Washington, D.C. with the hopes of shaking things up in our Capital.  For some reason the purpose of this conference is lost on many people I talk to, or they just don't care, which is a tragedy.  While I can understand not wanting to blog or read about other peoples' personal stories the fact remains that most adults will have children at some point in their life, whether adopted, by marriage or the old fashioned way.  Even if you don't have children everyone should care about the current state of parenting because those kids will be the next generation of tax payers, politicians, doctors, etc. that you will deal with later in life.  This fact makes me want to be a part of Dad 2.0!


We are a community who cares deeply about the future.  You hear this sentiment a lot out there, mostly on the campaign trail followed by some hollow promise or vague statement about our country going in the toilet.  But for normal people out there, we actually worry about the future we are making for our children.  The Dad 2.0 Summit is full of men (increasingly women attend too) who want to actually make a difference in the world.  Being at a conference with 400+ energized, talented, intelligent and genuinely fun people with such an important common goal is motivating beyond words. 


Now, how does Dad 2.0 expect to make a difference?  By getting the word out (and changing negative stereotypes) that not only do Fathers matter a great deal in the life of a child, but there are already so many amazing examples of involved, caring, confident and active fathers to show the way for new fathers who want to be the best for their children.  And if that wasn't enough, it is actually fulfilling and cool to want to be the best father you can be.  What other mission out there is more impactful to our future?


By bringing together researchers, authors, businesses, bloggers, and (hopefully) politicians, we can influence the conversation and counter the image of dead-beat, lazy, detached or clumsy fathers who would rather leave that "parenting" thing to the women while we bring home the bacon.  You can already see the message making a difference.  Were you one of the 110 million people who watched the Super Bowl?  Remember some of the commercials from companies like Dove Men+ Care?  Why do you think their message centered around Dads and their kids?  Not only does this message resonate across generations but it reaches a major formerly untapped group of customers -  fathers!  Over the last decade or so changing demographic, employment and parenting trends have resulted in a more involved set of men making decisions about household product purchases and being more involved in decisions previously left to mom.  Dad 2.0 is about unleashing that purchasing power and showing businesses that Dads matter more than ever when they market a product.


Get ready for more from Washington, D.C. and I hope you join me in energizing the conversation about Dads.  It is an important discussion we must have for the future of some of the most important people in our lives, our kids!

Visit the website at: www.dad2summit.com

"Balancing" Family, Work, School, and Military

First of all, I know... we are all "busy."  I get that most people, whether they are or not, think their life is so much busier that everyone else's.  The reality is that most people have no concept what it is like to be truly busy.  When was the last time you legitimately had no time to sit down or sleep or watch some TV?  If you have watched TV in the last week but still haven't done the laundry, made dinner at home or spent some actual quality time with your significant other, then you are not truly busy.  You are just bad at prioritizing life.  That is harsh, and I imagine most people will stop reading now...


The truth is that our time is precious but time is the great equalizer for everyone.  No matter how rich or poor, educated or not, young or old, we all experience the same minutes, second and hours.  It is just how you use them that makes the difference.  In talking to people, I often hear "I just don't know how you do it all."  But the reality is that I have the same amount of hours in the day as anyone else and I still manage to get between six and eight hours of sleep almost every night.  This probably sounds like bragging, but I have a full-time job, am a full-time (evening) student in my MBA program, participate in Navy Reserves on a monthly basis, have a professional (with 5 degrees) working wife who is 7 months pregnant and a toddler who I personally put to bed 3-4 nights a week.  I am pretty sure there are people out there who could "one up" me with their list, but I have quite a lot going on.


What makes all this possible?  There is no secret...  Prioritizing the things that matter and organizing your life in simple but effective ways.  The first question you should ask if you are "too busy" is do I have a calendar and do I use it often?  If not then you are already losing at the busy battle.  The next thing you need to do is leverage your support network.  Don't have one?  Then why not?  I am extremely fortunate to have family that lives within running distance of our house but the reality is that no matter what your circumstances, you can have a great support network helping you tackle the challenges in your life.  There are plenty of ways to make contacts that can help and are willing to help for free.  If you are a single parent or dual income couple, then join a group that has like minded people and help each other out.  One of my co-workers started her own meet-up group for parents and has made some wonderful friends along the way that she can rely on to help in a crisis.  She had so much interest in the group that they have to turn people away to keep it from becoming too burdensome or unmanageable.  Finally, take a moment and actually write down all the things that matter to you.  Then put a precedence on them to decide which is most important and which you could stop doing.  You might be surprised where some of those urgent priorities actually sit.  Get rid of the dead weight and stop wasting time.  For example, we have been cable free for 5 years and don't miss it one bit!


I have boiled people down to two categories, those that are proactive and those that are reactive.  Proactive people anticipate their day, make a plan (even if they don't end up doing it) and take regular moments to check-in with their progress.  Reactive people sit back and wait for things to happen, blame others for their problems and are generally the people who talk about how "busy" they are all the time. 


Before you think I am judging anyone, I will be honest that I don't always fall into the former category.  It is a struggle to be proactive and fill your day with substantive activities that make a difference... but that is life.  We all are just trying to find an equilibrium where happiness, fulfillment and responsibilities play out.  Balancing means you are on the edge of falling off; next time you feel overwhelmed try thinking of what is important to you and prioritize.  This way you won't ever be in danger of going over the cliff. 

Military Leave Changes for Parents

Last week the Pentagon announced "extremely generous" maternity and paternity leave policy changes making all branches equal with 12 weeks of paid leave for new mothers and 14 days of paid leave for new fathers.  Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter said this puts the U.S. Military "in the very top tiers of American employers."  With all the discussion on the radio and TV two things became apparent: Americans perspective on paid parental leave is horrible and many Civilians don't know how the Military Leave system works.


The military has two types of "time off."  The first is called liberty.  At the end of the normal work day and on weekends, liberty is normally granted by a superior.  Liberty can be restricted for "minor" infractions but the vast majority of U.S. based Military personnel go home at the end of the day unless they are part of the group that has duty, must stand a watch or are deployed.  These are the people who are ready to react to an emergency, perform security functions, direct forces in a Command and Control center, etc.  In that situation, they don't go on liberty.  In overseas areas liberty might just involve going to the gym, recreation space, eating or living space.


The second type of time off is called leave.  Every Active Duty Military person received 2.5 days of paid leave each month.  This equates to 30 days of paid leave a year.  While this sound generous to many people the caveat is that when taking leave a Military person must take the weekends too.  Most commands in the Military have policies and boundaries explaining when you must take leave and when you are just on liberty.  For example a Navy ship may say that if you stay within 200 miles of the ship, you are on liberty, but if you go outside 200 miles or take a plane somewhere then you must take leave for the entire time until you return.  This allows supervisors to know who is in a position to report for duty if something happens and the command must react.  In that case you could end up using half of your leave for the Christmas Holiday alone by flying to see relatives. 


Finally, the one thing the Military doesn't have is sick leave.  As a result of on base medical personnel anyone feeling ill has to most often go to "sick call" in the morning where people are seen by medical personnel in the order they arrived.  If a person is deemed too sick to perform their duties they are then places on "Sick in Quarters" (SIQ) status and go home for the specified about of time the doctor thinks you need.  What that means is no waking up, calling in sick and getting back under the covers...


For many Military members, this leave system results in situations where depending on home life, family, deployment schedule etc. either have a lot of leave to use or have very little leave to use.  If, for example, your extended family lives near where you work, then during the Holidays you may not need to take a lot of leave whereas someone who has to fly home would need to use leave.  On the flip side, when SIQ the person doesn't need to take leave, so the system has its benefits and drawbacks, like most things in life.

Before last week the amount of time off an active duty mother had post birth was based on whether she had a Vaginal birth (6 weeks) or C-section (8 weeks).  This "convalescent leave" was granted not for bonding time but for the mother to medically recover from the birth, which is good, but not great.  12 weeks across the board is a great step in the right direction but as a society Americans have ridiculously low expectations for paid Maternity leave, much less, Paternity leave.  We must stop saying that family is the most important thing in life and then neglect to make policies that reflect our values.  I am sure there are lots of valid arguments against greater paid parental leave, most deal with government intrusion into our lives and financial aspects, but I think it says a lot about our society when we don't let parents be parents, especially for those precious first months of life.  There is no reason a wealthy nation like the United States can't afford to make an investment in the next generation!